Building a village

"Warm is the new cool" I recently heard at a conference (the Orange ministry conference). While I think it was directed to connecting with youth and children, I think it pertains to adults and children alike.

We are no longer born into a "village". We may be born in one location, go to school in another, move 5 or 6 times as we're growing up. Statistics indicate that the average person has more than 10 jobs before they turn 40 - and that is only expected to increase. If you consider that you probably spend 50% of your waking hours at work, your center of influence and connections are likely to change every 5-10 years. It's no wonder we struggle with feeling disconnected these days!

Living in a comparison culture often fueled by social media, we see everyone else who goes on vacation with their best friends, goes to the zoo with their neighborhood group, has wonderful family gatherings every weekend.  We feel even more alone.

I've been there too (and maybe still am!). It seems like - if maybe you could just find a few perfect friends, you'd be much better off. But where are these perfect friends (or maybe even significant other) that you are looking for?

Here's what I have to say about this - and strangely this has become a tagline in my ministry ... Lower your expectations. 

Often in divorce support groups, ex-spouses are frustrated that their ex-spouse is not cooperating or supporting them. If your spouse did not cooperate/support you during your marriage, there is no reason to expect them to be any different during the divorce process. This is not meant to be depressing fact but just a common sense approach.

As for our children, they are perfect little beings as they are. They WILL make mistakes - we ALL make mistakes. Don't let these mistakes define your kids.

There's a human nature paradigm (that probably has a fancy name that I'm forgetting now) that says that we think that other people's errors and flaws reflects their poor character, however or own errors are purely mistakes (not bad character). We are not perfect, our friends are not perfect, our children are not perfect and our spouses are not perfect. Lower your expectations... Don't hold your child accountable to the best of the best on Facebook. For every 1 child out there that plays the piano, gets great grades and loves all sports with natural athleticism, there are 100 others that don't. Love your child for who they are and this little person will change daily but will know you love them through all of it. It will define them. You will build their village. And you (we!) will find peace in being and not comparing.

As for your village, let me share the "secret" of church that it took me a long time to realize: it's more than just going. Once you open your heart to Jesus, He settles in and things start to stir.

Showing up at worship is great but you'll want more. You'll need more. The nature of church is not just worship. Worship is the foundation of a church and may be the entry for you. But church isn't just worship. Church is community. And community is a village. It's your village.

We (they?) don't always get this right. Churches are flawed. The church is the human application of a divine and loving God. God doesn't make mistakes - but WE do. And we will continue to. You may have been hurt by a church before. It breaks my heart some of the stories that people share with me. But that's not God pushing you away. That is human beings making mistakes.

How does Church become your village? First  GO (worship). Then CONNECT (small group). Then GIVE (volunteer). It may not be in that order.  And I've seen that order take place in one month or over the course of 10 years.  And I'll openly admit, I am the 10 year example.

But it is worth it. Warm is the new cool in my life. And my kids will grow up knowing the warmth of a church community that loves them through the chaos of this world. You can build your village too.

Look up

I have an image ingrained in my memory from a time I drove to work a few years ago. 

I was driving down a main road that doesn't have sidewalks. There was a woman walking and she was on a path that ran alongside the main road in a grassy area. It was a perfectly clear path. Except there was one tree. One tree in the entire plain grassy path that stretched for several miles.

It was a straight road that I was on and a straight path she was on. I was driving toward her so I was watching for quite some time before I would have passed her. It was drizzling. She walked with her head down. I saw the one tree. The one tree had one branch that appeared to be her height.  I remember this almost as this all happened in slow motion but it didn't.  I was driving 40 mph down a main road and she was trudging through the rain. 

I couldn't look away. I hoped that she would look up. She didn't. The only branch on the only tree on the only path in a 1 mile radius she ran smack in to.  

I prayed for her then. I prayed that that wouldn't be "the thing." "The thing" that made her have a bad day. "The thing" that made her think she was doomed. "The thing" that made her think that everything always happened to her. I prayed that she'd just look up, walk around the branch and keep walking. 

That's not normally what happens though, is it? Do we often run into the branch, shake if off and keep going? How often does God watch us and think "look up! look up!" 

Some days I feel like I just keep running into the same branch on the same tree on the same path only to wake up the next day to to take the same route with the same path and same branch.  

I think that God blesses us to be the blessing to others. I hope that, not only can we look up to avoid the branch, but that we are in place on that path to move the branch out of the way for the next person.

Or at least be able to share a warning  - rather than racing by at 40 mph in a line of traffic and no ability to stop - but that's another whole metaphor in itself...

4 week challenge

My heart breaks for kids going through the heartache of life. The shock of death, the turmoil of divorce, the challenge of school/neighborhood relationships.

It's not easy and often parents come to me with kids that are mad at God, with kids that are questioning their place in this world. And they wonder what they can do? What I can do?

The reality of the world we live in is that the #1 Influencer in a child's faith is their parents. The #2 Influencer in their faith is their grandparents (or other close family members). It is not their Children's Ministry Leaders, their Sunday Group leaders, etc. While this statistic was at first discouraging to me (as a Children's Ministry Director), I've come to terms with it. And I realized that I hope that I can support you - and equip parents (and myself) to be a positive influencer of a child's faith (as well as my own).

If you are wondering what you can do and asking some of these questions ... I issue you this challenge: for 4 weeks, bring your child to church on Sunday. Choose whichever church you feel most comfortable with and attend consistently for 4 weeks. Don't 'church shop' during this time. Just pick a church and stick with it. You can evaluate at the end of the period. Now is not the time to evaluate, just a time to exist and be with God - modeling this behavior for your child.

I know this isn't a popular challenge these days. There's some baggage that comes with it. I get it. Parents ask me often 'what can I do?' 'what do you have?' and I just realized, sometimes I don't think it's about snazzy new programming and expensive counseling. I think it's about foundations. It is hard for a child to struggle with a relationship with God if they aren't IN a relationship with God. Choose a church and just GO together. Build foundations. Focus on the basics. Pray together. Talk about what they learned/heard/thought about. Enjoy the simple moments. And be together and focus on your faith as a family. Then build on that...

Beginning the conversation ...

So I have a stack of books that will be wonderful resources. I haven't had a chance to read any of them yet so I can't yet share that soon to be had knowledge. I have been emailed and texted this week from various people who are a part of our family ministry with questions and challenges.

Marriage is hard, raising kids is hard, life is hard and many of us all face the same questions. Too often I find myself in a room facilitating a DivoreCare group where the pain and emotion distress permeates the room. So I wonder: is there anything I (we, as a church) could have done to prevent this pain and suffering?

Are we a community (in the larger sense of that word) that is willing to be open and honest with our challenges? Are we willing to be authentic, vulnerable, humble, willing to learn, willing to share? I'll be honest, I don't have all of the answers. But I do see trends and I am a good listener. From that, I do have a handful of answers to some very frequently asked questions.

The maybe-not-so-unusual thing is that there are a lot of the same challenges that run through the structures of relationship and I think there are some core elements that can help to to build and lift these up. But how do we begin?

Living life, we are busy and often miss patterns.  We Google 'what is this bump on my leg, why does my child wake up every 4 hours, how do I lose 10 pounds.' Do know how to search the triggers for many of the conflicts in our life? Why are we still having the same argument? Why does my spouse say hurtful things? Why does my friend always walk away when I need him/her most? ...

So I was challenged to start this page as a beginning of a conversation. I'd love to hear more from you.