The challenge of living in a mutually exclusive world - why it's OK to be both blessed and stressed

I have seen on a handful of ornaments, signs and images this saying: "Too blessed to be stressed!" and in the back of my mind, thought 'oh yeah, I'm blessed, don't stress ... don't stress, don't stress, don't stress, don't stress???.'.  And then it occurred to me - you CAN be both.

We seem to live in an mutually exclusive society. It is an either or world, never both. One must be right or wrong, good or bad, true or false ... therefore blessed or stressed.

It finally occurred to me that God did not create a mutually exclusive world - that is our version that has made things much more complicated in an attempt to probably originally simplify.

I heard yesterday a great reminder that the opposite of more doesn't have to be less - it can be contentment ... to not want more but to be happy with what you have. Another paradigm shift to a mutually exclusive world.

The opposite of 'more' doesn't have to be 'less', it can be 'contentment'.

One of the largest challenges to a relationship is a lack of humility. Humility is our own ability to  accept that we could be wrong and at fault at any given time. There is nothing more challenging than engaging with someone that is always right or will always one up you.  And if we are willing to admit our shortfalls, our spouses and friends are naturally more willing to forgive them when they occur.

It Biblical too, God calls us to be humble. If we are arrogant in our lives, we will be superficial in our faith. Faith is built on the foundation that we can not do it alone, that we rely on God to get us through the hard times.

So, I wonder - was Mary stressed? An unwed woman (young girl, at that) who had to travel many miles while extremely pregnant to not be able to find a suitable place to give birth. (I can't imagine how we'd unpack that at our weekly playgroup if she were to come and ask for advice!!)

God reminds us time and time again to give our worries to Him ... to worry less and have stronger faith. God does, and will, provide.

We must have faith. In our fear and our worry, we lean on God. Our worry encourages our humility and reminds us that God's world is much bigger than the mutuality exclusive world to which we tend to confine ourselves.


Worry and stress our part of our lives. God reminds us not to worry throughout the Bible. However I have not found anywhere that it says that it's a sin to worry or stress. He calls us to not to worry as it is an individual response to a worldly problem. He calls us to chose prayer over worry. He does not want us to go it alone. He wants to share our troubles so that He can bare our burdens.  God is most at work when our shields of arrogance our down and our humility is raw and we are dependent on His strength. 

You are not alone - and you are not blessed OR stressed. Through the blessings and the stresses - He is with us.

Where do you fall on the generosity spectrum?

Would you define yourself as generous? How about compassionate? Maybe you haven't thought about it before? ... I'd like to share some statistics from Defying Gravity by Tom Berlin (we just did a sermon series on this) that I found really thought provoking.

In a study done a few years ago (2010), 45% of Americans reported giving $0 of their income to any charitable purpose (this is self reported). Nearly half of us gave away not a single penny to Girl Scouts, school fundraisers, churches, Salvation Army ... anything. Another 41.3% gave less than 2% of their income away, which means the majority of the financial generosity of our nation is provided by only 15% percent of the population.  So ... money's tight. What about time? 

If you're involved in your child's PTO, PTA or sports, etc., you may know how hard it is to find people who are able to help, especially with dual working parents and single parents - we are all busy! Again, in a self reported survey, over 76% of people reported giving NO volunteer hours to any organization. That means 3 out of 4 people help in no volunteer capacity at all. OK ...When we look at generosity, maybe it seems like something that fits more on a 15 year plan - not on our 6 month plan.  

What does every day generosity of spirit look like? It's being patient with a child, helping someone in need, listening to neighbor, extending forgiveness to a family members, texting someone you know who's having a rough day, sending a thank you card. These are all traits of a generous spirit- that cost very little. So I guess we can be hopeful that these are all things our self-reporting friends are doing but don't fall into the categories of the survey?

I'm reminded of the climate on social media in the height of the political season and I'm wondering if we are generous with our praise, generous with compassion and understanding?

Maybe we just don't have time to be generous. Are we so busy we have lost our ability to be generous? Are we experiencing such a scarcity in generosity that we are no longer able to be caring?

I don't think it's true. I think there good people all around us doing good deeds. As the beloved Mr. Rodger's is known for saying "When I as a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'"  He continued: “To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fredrogers737842.html

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fredrogers737842.html

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." - See more at: http://www.fredrogers.org/parents/special-challenges/tragic-events.php#sthash.qBbWU9ks.dpuf

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." - See more at: http://www.fredrogers.org/parents/special-challenges/tragic-events.php#sthash.qBbWU9ks.dpuf

If we challenge ourselves to be generous, we can be the hope for others; we can be generous spirits in a culture of deprivation. If not during the holidays, then when else? I hope to model to my own children the importance of being generous over being productive. I pray we can do this together. Let's work together to be the helpers.

We are in this struggle together.

I've had a challenging week but I am feeling encouraged today. 
I am reminded that often God is most at work in the messiest times of our lives and in life. 
If only it was easy to love messiness ... 

Stuck in the middle

Have you ever had one of those moments (or days) when you are actually feeling pretty good and smart? Maybe you're frustrated with others for being too slow, in the way, or kind of out of it. Life is good for you, if not slightly frustrating.

And then it happens ...

The next minute your sitting with a friend and they are telling you about the challenges of production with the ABC engineering platform (huh?!), or you meet with your boss and he/she questions if you're sufficiently meeting the expectations of the evaluation committee (what?!) or any other multitude of experiences that makes you realize you don't even know what you don't know.

All of the sudden your world gets a lot bigger - and you feel a lot smaller.

I've had that happen a lot in my life. Enough that if I am starting to feel like I might have things together, it makes me nervous and I start to explore the unknown quadrants that I might be missing.

Maybe that's humility?

I've been humbled at times when I spend hours designing fancy fliers, writing complicated curriculum to be interrupted (ugh!) by someone who wants to meet. After chatting for a bit, I find out she wants to come to this program with fancy fliers and complex curriculum but she only has t-shirts and is afraid to come to church in a t-shirt.

My world just got bigger ... and I got smaller.

I have learned from these wake up calls and interruptions the irony of modern faith which challenges us. We seem to constantly be on a quest to "be better".  We want to weigh less, fit our skinny clothes, have less grey hair, a more toned midsection, whiter teeth, smoother skin ... and THEN ...

THEN we'll get our pictures taken, meet up with old friends, schedule a reunion, buy new clothes, go back to school, go to church ...

Yep, go to church.

That's the irony. We are trying to make ourselves look and feel better before we go to the place that has the power to transform us so that none of those things matter.

We will always be in the messy middle of life. We will always be between two jean sizes. Our teeth will always either lighter or darker yesterday than they are today. We are constantly changing. Hopefully we are smarter and more compassionate today than we were yesterday. And if we feel less so, maybe our world grew larger?

Any way you look at, we are always in the middle. We are in the middle, together.

You are perfect in your imperfection to a God who loves you for exactly who you are today and every day. Just as you are. You are more than enough for Him. And it doesn't matter your jean size, what type of shirt you wear and how smart you are. He loves you, in the middle.

Just today

3 reasons kids love prayer - how to build meaningful connection into a busy week

Let me share a bit of secret with you ...  there is a rhythm of children's ministry program times. We share Bible stories in engaging ways that help kids to apply them to their everyday lives. There's a few minutes for worship singing and dancing that, I'll be honest, most often turns into a Congo line (we sometimes join in - kids know the best ways to celebrate and show God glory - and have fun in the process!).

But there's always the time consuming - therefore, must be well planned - all-time favorite element of PRAYER. Yes, your heard that correctly .. prayer.

Kids love prayer time. Here's a few reasons why ...

1. It validates their feelings. Ask your child what they'd like you to pray for. Chances are they have a few things on their mind. It can be big or little; it doesn't matter. God doesn't judge us for the size of our prayers nor should we feel the need to 'edit' or teach to their prayer requests. Just accept them where they are at. Your child might be more willing to share more of their thoughts, struggles or challenges in this open environment. Do whatever you can to support their concerns.

2. It shows them that their thoughts concerns are important enough to you that you are willing to share them with God. What a great way to tell your child "I'm on your side in life and we're in this together!" When you pray, ask for tools such as respect or responsibility to help you and your child to navigate the challenge. This will help them to learn to look for coping strategies when in these challenging situations.

3. It's time with YOU. There's a powerful video out there on YouTube that interviews parents and asks them, if they could have dinner with anyone, who it would be. Adults choose a great variety of powerful people who have had an amazing influence on the world.

When they ask that same question of the kids, their answers are very simple. Their favorite people to share dinner with are their own families. Sometimes it's a big extended family celebration dinner and sometimes it's just a simple, non-busy dinner with their small family. But the majority of the time its their very own family.

How to build in times of connection
If you've ever started working out after not doing it for a while (or at all!), you know how awkward it can be. Prayer can be the same at first. Give yourself permission to feel a little uncomfortable but remember why you are doing it. Dig deep, take a breath and begin ...

There's a few kinds of prayers that resonate with kids and come more naturally. I have found that, when kids are little, repetition prayers fit best with their spiritual levels. As they age, open-ended prayers are easier to incorporate.

At either dinner or bedtime, ask your child what their favorite/least favorite part of the day is during or maybe one thing for which you are thankful. Consider adding a prayer before you eat together or go to bed. It can be something that you say together or take turns leading. A simple go-to prayer for us is "God is great, God is good, help us do the things we should. Amen". The internet is a great resource for finding prayers that really connect with you family. Challenge older kids to search a favorite one to share with you or lead.

If it's new to your family, don't be discouraged if it doesn't catch on right away. I have a lot of kids that roll their eyes at me and make snide comments during prayer time to, just weeks later, seek me out with a really tough prayer request. Make a commitment to stick with it. And if you forget, start back when you remember. Don't beat yourself up about it. Ask your kids to help you remember. Start building patterns.

I'd love to hear from you ... what are ways that you build meaningful moments into your chaotic day? 

Building a village

"Warm is the new cool" I recently heard at a conference (the Orange ministry conference). While I think it was directed to connecting with youth and children, I think it pertains to adults and children alike.

We are no longer born into a "village". We may be born in one location, go to school in another, move 5 or 6 times as we're growing up. Statistics indicate that the average person has more than 10 jobs before they turn 40 - and that is only expected to increase. If you consider that you probably spend 50% of your waking hours at work, your center of influence and connections are likely to change every 5-10 years. It's no wonder we struggle with feeling disconnected these days!

Living in a comparison culture often fueled by social media, we see everyone else who goes on vacation with their best friends, goes to the zoo with their neighborhood group, has wonderful family gatherings every weekend.  We feel even more alone.

I've been there too (and maybe still am!). It seems like - if maybe you could just find a few perfect friends, you'd be much better off. But where are these perfect friends (or maybe even significant other) that you are looking for?

Here's what I have to say about this - and strangely this has become a tagline in my ministry ... Lower your expectations. 

Often in divorce support groups, ex-spouses are frustrated that their ex-spouse is not cooperating or supporting them. If your spouse did not cooperate/support you during your marriage, there is no reason to expect them to be any different during the divorce process. This is not meant to be depressing fact but just a common sense approach.

As for our children, they are perfect little beings as they are. They WILL make mistakes - we ALL make mistakes. Don't let these mistakes define your kids.

There's a human nature paradigm (that probably has a fancy name that I'm forgetting now) that says that we think that other people's errors and flaws reflects their poor character, however or own errors are purely mistakes (not bad character). We are not perfect, our friends are not perfect, our children are not perfect and our spouses are not perfect. Lower your expectations... Don't hold your child accountable to the best of the best on Facebook. For every 1 child out there that plays the piano, gets great grades and loves all sports with natural athleticism, there are 100 others that don't. Love your child for who they are and this little person will change daily but will know you love them through all of it. It will define them. You will build their village. And you (we!) will find peace in being and not comparing.

As for your village, let me share the "secret" of church that it took me a long time to realize: it's more than just going. Once you open your heart to Jesus, He settles in and things start to stir.

Showing up at worship is great but you'll want more. You'll need more. The nature of church is not just worship. Worship is the foundation of a church and may be the entry for you. But church isn't just worship. Church is community. And community is a village. It's your village.

We (they?) don't always get this right. Churches are flawed. The church is the human application of a divine and loving God. God doesn't make mistakes - but WE do. And we will continue to. You may have been hurt by a church before. It breaks my heart some of the stories that people share with me. But that's not God pushing you away. That is human beings making mistakes.

How does Church become your village? First  GO (worship). Then CONNECT (small group). Then GIVE (volunteer). It may not be in that order.  And I've seen that order take place in one month or over the course of 10 years.  And I'll openly admit, I am the 10 year example.

But it is worth it. Warm is the new cool in my life. And my kids will grow up knowing the warmth of a church community that loves them through the chaos of this world. You can build your village too.

Look up

I have an image ingrained in my memory from a time I drove to work a few years ago. 

I was driving down a main road that doesn't have sidewalks. There was a woman walking and she was on a path that ran alongside the main road in a grassy area. It was a perfectly clear path. Except there was one tree. One tree in the entire plain grassy path that stretched for several miles.

It was a straight road that I was on and a straight path she was on. I was driving toward her so I was watching for quite some time before I would have passed her. It was drizzling. She walked with her head down. I saw the one tree. The one tree had one branch that appeared to be her height.  I remember this almost as this all happened in slow motion but it didn't.  I was driving 40 mph down a main road and she was trudging through the rain. 

I couldn't look away. I hoped that she would look up. She didn't. The only branch on the only tree on the only path in a 1 mile radius she ran smack in to.  

I prayed for her then. I prayed that that wouldn't be "the thing." "The thing" that made her have a bad day. "The thing" that made her think she was doomed. "The thing" that made her think that everything always happened to her. I prayed that she'd just look up, walk around the branch and keep walking. 

That's not normally what happens though, is it? Do we often run into the branch, shake if off and keep going? How often does God watch us and think "look up! look up!" 

Some days I feel like I just keep running into the same branch on the same tree on the same path only to wake up the next day to to take the same route with the same path and same branch.  

I think that God blesses us to be the blessing to others. I hope that, not only can we look up to avoid the branch, but that we are in place on that path to move the branch out of the way for the next person.

Or at least be able to share a warning  - rather than racing by at 40 mph in a line of traffic and no ability to stop - but that's another whole metaphor in itself...

4 week challenge

My heart breaks for kids going through the heartache of life. The shock of death, the turmoil of divorce, the challenge of school/neighborhood relationships.

It's not easy and often parents come to me with kids that are mad at God, with kids that are questioning their place in this world. And they wonder what they can do? What I can do?

The reality of the world we live in is that the #1 Influencer in a child's faith is their parents. The #2 Influencer in their faith is their grandparents (or other close family members). It is not their Children's Ministry Leaders, their Sunday Group leaders, etc. While this statistic was at first discouraging to me (as a Children's Ministry Director), I've come to terms with it. And I realized that I hope that I can support you - and equip parents (and myself) to be a positive influencer of a child's faith (as well as my own).

If you are wondering what you can do and asking some of these questions ... I issue you this challenge: for 4 weeks, bring your child to church on Sunday. Choose whichever church you feel most comfortable with and attend consistently for 4 weeks. Don't 'church shop' during this time. Just pick a church and stick with it. You can evaluate at the end of the period. Now is not the time to evaluate, just a time to exist and be with God - modeling this behavior for your child.

I know this isn't a popular challenge these days. There's some baggage that comes with it. I get it. Parents ask me often 'what can I do?' 'what do you have?' and I just realized, sometimes I don't think it's about snazzy new programming and expensive counseling. I think it's about foundations. It is hard for a child to struggle with a relationship with God if they aren't IN a relationship with God. Choose a church and just GO together. Build foundations. Focus on the basics. Pray together. Talk about what they learned/heard/thought about. Enjoy the simple moments. And be together and focus on your faith as a family. Then build on that...

Beginning the conversation ...

So I have a stack of books that will be wonderful resources. I haven't had a chance to read any of them yet so I can't yet share that soon to be had knowledge. I have been emailed and texted this week from various people who are a part of our family ministry with questions and challenges.

Marriage is hard, raising kids is hard, life is hard and many of us all face the same questions. Too often I find myself in a room facilitating a DivoreCare group where the pain and emotion distress permeates the room. So I wonder: is there anything I (we, as a church) could have done to prevent this pain and suffering?

Are we a community (in the larger sense of that word) that is willing to be open and honest with our challenges? Are we willing to be authentic, vulnerable, humble, willing to learn, willing to share? I'll be honest, I don't have all of the answers. But I do see trends and I am a good listener. From that, I do have a handful of answers to some very frequently asked questions.

The maybe-not-so-unusual thing is that there are a lot of the same challenges that run through the structures of relationship and I think there are some core elements that can help to to build and lift these up. But how do we begin?

Living life, we are busy and often miss patterns.  We Google 'what is this bump on my leg, why does my child wake up every 4 hours, how do I lose 10 pounds.' Do know how to search the triggers for many of the conflicts in our life? Why are we still having the same argument? Why does my spouse say hurtful things? Why does my friend always walk away when I need him/her most? ...

So I was challenged to start this page as a beginning of a conversation. I'd love to hear more from you.